My beloved and I decided to take a break from Melbourne's increasingly chilly weather and head north to Australia's tropical North Queensland. I'd heard a lot about the area: big snakes, venomous spiders, treacherous waterways teaming with crocodiles, deadly jellyfish and maybe even the odd drop bear thrown in for good measure. All the good stuff that is the hallmark of the Australia we know and love.
Our trip started with a bang, exactly one hour later than it should have. Thanks to a mixture of daylight saving time difference and pure idiocy, we left for the airport 10 minutes before check-in closed.
Our taxi driver drove like he had rockets fixed to his tires and the police, the FBI, the paparazzi and the Spanish Armada on his tail, but to no avail. JetStar's finest gleefully informed us that we were in fact 7 minutes too late to check our luggage and ourselves onto a plane. A lot of hasty talking and $120 later and we were checked onto an 11am flight to Cairns. Only 5 hours to wait - the Qantas Club buffet was going to take a beating.
Five coffees and numerous pancakes later, an incoming message from the airline left us reeling. Our 11am flight had been rescheduled to 2.30pm and we were now set to miss the entire first day of our holiday. We had used every amenity the club lounge had to offer - food, beverages, magazines and even a shower were no comfort as we were faced with a 9 hour drive to Airlie Beach, now to be completed in a single day.
After 12 gruelling hours in the airport, a call to our camper rental company to inform them we were missing a day, three hours on the plane and some amazing generosity from some friends in Cairns, we had found some company and a couch for the night. Arriving at dinner time, we were fed fantastic Chinese food and managed to recover some zen before collapsing under a fan to prepare for the following day's slog.
Wicked Campers are an amazing campervan rental company. Their staff are friendly, their vans are mechanically sound and their prices are suited to the thrifty traveller. However, cruising the east coast of Australia with "The best thing about oral sex is 5 minutes of silence" plastered across the back of the van takes a thick hide and a good sense of humour! Our van was covered in sexual inuendo, including one jibe about sheep-shagging Kiwi farmers (thanks guys!).
Cairns to Airlie Beach is a long way. The roadsides are lined with hundreds of kilometres of sugarcane, and there are plenty of waterfalls and natural features to see on the way. There is also a roadside cafe called The Frosty Mango which sells, yup, Frosty Mangoes in an assortment of presentations.
Arriving at Shute Harbour (gateway to the Whitsunday Islands), we parked our smutty van in an empty carpark and collapsed into what can only be described as an exhaustion coma. Ten hours of driving followed by a less-than-amazing seafood dinner had taken their toll. Around 11pm we were awoken by loud banging on the side of the van. Exhaustedly peering out the window, we were reprimanded by a security guard and threatened with a $2000 fine for trespassing (a pretty harsh financial penalty considering the meagre fines associated with drug cultivation and possession nowadays). We were informed that we must find a camping ground immediately and pay the exorbitant price for a square of grass upon which to park our mobile bed.
Twenty minutes later we parked outside a suburban mansion in Airlie Beach and settled once again into sleep. Apart from one visit from a very drunk local, we were undisturbed and no worse off financially.
Five days on Hayman Island reminded us what relaxation was. We luxuriated in sunshine, bush walking to amazing coral beaches and seeing all kinds of wildlife; a great break. We snorkeled with sea turtles, saw an enormous cod and climbed all over the island. I also had a revelation whereby I discovered that it is impossible to have secrets when wearing a full-body stinger suit. This is particularly true when one has been helping oneself to buffet meals three times a day. Better swim faster!
Arriving back on the mainland, we received a sharp jolt back to reality. Good friends of ours had arrived in the Gold Coast from New Zealand and we were very keen to see them before we headed home. This left us with exactly one day to get from Airlie Beach to the Gold Coast - a whopping 1,200 km drive. We made it as far as Mackay in the growing darkness, before spending the night at a scummy truckstop with facilities that could pass on cholera and syphilis simply by breathing deeply. MORE BABY WIPES REQUIRED!
We hit the road at 6am and made brilliant time for the first 400 km of sugar cane. Then the roadworks started. Each stretch punctuated by a high-vis-wearing worker at both ends, a single lane between and lines of cars waiting their turn. The first one was fine, the second was tolerable and the third was a mild annoyance. By the time we waited at the 27th 'stop' sign, we had lost nearly two hours. Our one consolation was that "surely they must be running out of stop/go workers?!".
They were. So they switched to using traffic lights. Only one operator required and they could make us wait for longer! By the time we reached the end of the works, I had started playing 'Vanzai' - a van-specific version of the fairly unpopular Asian TV quiz show Banzai (look it up if you've never seen it - it's good for a laugh). We were still laughing and 1,600 km down we wouldn't have traded places with anyone. Something about a van and the open road is extremely relaxing regardless of the circumstances - a big relief that day.
Arriving in Maroochydore was a huge milestone, predominantly due to the fact that a very kind relative had offered us a cooked dinner and a shower! A home-style roast and a few hours of good company rejuvenated us enough to contemplate the final two hours of the slog to the Gold Coast. Shortly after 11pm we arrived, over 2,000 km from our starting point and happily exhausted.
In the tourist town of Surfer's Paradise, we spent a couple of days catching up on sleep, sightseeing and spending time with friends. We were the quintessential tourists at theme parks, we had bistro dinners at faux Irish pubs and we headed into the wilderness of Northern New South Wales. On the day we headed home, we arrived at the airport (well and truly on time) to find that our flight had been delayed - WHAT A NOVELTY! Our dismay was offset however after we met two Sydney girls who had been stuck in the hell-hole that is Coolangatta airport for a grand total of 12 hours after their morning flight had been cancelled. The airline provided no compensation and they had gone a bit stir-crazy. One of them had shopped up a storm at a souvenir stand and when we me them they were playing pick-up sticks, complete with Aussie-themed animals on the ends of each stick.
As per usual, we arrived home exhausted, unshowered, unkempt and happy. We visited a beautiful part of the world and are lucky enough to have great friends and great memories. I would love to head back to explore the rainforests and features in more detail, but we covered a huge distance and arrived with smiles on our faces. May each new chapter be more awesome than the last.
Back at home, I used iMovie for the first time in my life to create a short video edit of our trip. It's not perfect but I'm very proud of my effort. Have a look below and feel free to tell me what you think!
Blue skies,
-Ez
BANZAI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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