Horoscope 12 - Libra

And so we arrive at the end of a zodiac saga - the final chapter in the horoscope story.  Libra holds the honour of the final entry.


The definition of Libra in ancient Rome was 'a unit of weight', equal to 12 oz (0.34 kg).  This is a very specific meaning of a zodiac sign and it is fairly obvious that obesity was not the problem back then that it is today.  In the modern westernised world, the unit of weight would likely be required to be much heavier.


The more modern definition is 'the balance', which makes (slightly) more sense, and thus the horoscope continues for those born between September 23rd and October 22nd:

• Think about starting up or attending circus school - balance is a key attribute to tightrope walking or acrobatics.
• It's going to be a very sunny day on Wednesday.  You're looking like you're going to be coming down with something on Tuesday night...
• Pick 5 items from the back of your wardrobe and sell them on Ebay or TradeMe.  You'll get more back than you could ever imagine.
• Have a board game evening this weekend.
• None of the shops are going to be open this Sunday..
• Your passport is due to expire soon.  Check it before you try and head to foreign parts.
• You're going to absent-mindedly store your phone in your back pocket tomorrow.  Don't sit on it.
• The neighbours are going to throw loads of goodies onto the street verge tomorrow morning.  Get up early and grab yourself a side-of-the-road windfall!
• Don't take any risque photos on your camera in January or it will get stolen and loaded onto the internet.
• Head off to the theatre this season.  You never know when you'll meet that special someone.
• Check the cheap flights websites for the next month.  Pick your next holiday from the specials advertised.
• Catch up with someone you haven't seen for a while this weekend.  It's a good time of year for rejuvenation.
• Try some home baking this Christmas.  It will be more fulfilling than you could imagine.
• You've got a hole in the lining of your bag.  Before you panic after not finding your keys, check inside it.
• Go to work on Friday and you'll bag a free lunch.
• Your neighbour's wheelie bin is going to blow behind your car next week, don't back over it.
• A good friend is going to leave a Christmas present for you in a very obscure place.  Start hunting!
• A geriatric with a zimmer frame is going to walk out in front of you as you pull out of your driveway next Tuesday.  Swerve!
• Mistletoe.   It's a good time of year...
• Throw away your current razor, it's far too blunt to use.
• Reconnect with your relatives this year, even the crazy ones.
• Start planning your New Year resolutions.  Don't go for the unachievable ones, like "this year I'm not going to drink".  Maybe start small, like "this year I'm going to go to the gym at least 3 times"...

So this wraps up the 12-horoscope series.  After writing my way through the zodiac, I can safely say that I still think people who write them for a living, with sweeping and generalised statements are getting money for jam.  My over-specific stabs in the dark have been shown to have a few successes over the series, showing that if I can guess life moments then anyone can!

As we will be heading off to NZ first thing tomorrow, the next few blogs will depend on internet connectivity.  The challenge for this morning is to cram a fortnight's worth of skydiving, swimming, Christmas party and other miscellaneous clobber into one 20kg suitcase.  Clothes may be an optional addition this time around!


On a sadder note, I have been closely following the story of a young mother in Auckland who has been battling cancer for the past 2 and a half years.  Unfortunately, Natalie Murphy lost her fight late last week, leaving behind her husband Greg and young son Jackson.  Natalie is an inspirational person who fought to enjoy life till the very end, and her story makes for a compelling read.  See more or donate to her family at www.helpnat.com.


Stories such as the one above make me more determined than ever to enjoy what I've got while I'm lucky enough to be able-bodied and breathing.  Life is our puppet, take it by the horns and make sure you don't end your time on this earth with regrets and missed opportunities.  Merry Christmas to you all over this festive period, live like you mean it!


Blue skies,


Ez

Horoscope 11 - Virgo

And so we come to Virgo...the sign of the virgin.  Since I have a hard time believing that anybody on my Facebook friends list is pure of heart and saying yes to abstinence, I will put this excerpt from Urban Dictionary to remind you all of the meaning of virgin.  The postings are numerous:




1. virgin
n. Person who has not yet had sex. Largely believed to be mythological.




2. virgin

1. A person who has not yet engaged in sex because they are waiting for true love.
2. A person who has not yet engaged in sex because they are so socially crippled that whenever they are around the opposite sex they begin to hiss and fart uncontrollably. 

1. I am a virgin because I'm waiting for my true love before I have sex! I also believe in unicorns.
2. I am NOT a virgin! Does cyber-sex count? 

3. virgin (American definition)

1) In North Carolina, any girl who can outrun her brothers. 2) In Alabama, an extinct species thought to have lived until the mid-19th century.

Look, there's Becky Poteat, North Carolina's high school record holder in the women's high hurdles. She's the only virgin in the county.

There's more, but I won't insult your intelligence...the picture above is perhaps the most famous virgin of all time, and fairly applicable to the current season; the Virgin Mary.  Actually, the picture above is a billboard at St. Matthew-in-the-city Church in Auckland, NZ.  Their rationale behind the image is to illustrate that Christmas is actually a symbolic time of hardship and that Mary was probably not over the moon when she found out that she was pregnant (without even getting laid, I might add!), as she was unmarried, young and poor.


But enough of my garble, it holds little relevance to the zodiac sign of Virgo and the life meaning for those born between August 23rd and September 22nd.  For this, keep reading:

• Don't have sex.  That's the one activity that virgins don't engage in.
• Go for an early-morning stroll down the nearest beach.  It sets you up for a peaceful day.
• Don't wash your red shirt with all your other clothes this weekend, it still leaks dye.
• Going on a first date but short of cash?  If you pick flowers from the Botanical Gardens between 5:00-6:00am, the groundskeepers won't see you.  And she'll appreciate your romantic side.
• Casting a fishing rod into the goldfish ponds at aforementioned gardens is generally frowned upon, however in times of hardship can be a lifesaver.  The same rules apply as above.
• Try something new in January.  Learn to skateboard or take an art class.
• Next time you go shopping, pay a visit to the local second-hand store.  You'll find a good selection and come home with cash to spare.
• Watch a few documentaries this holiday season.  They can be good value.
• If you drink spirits on Christmas Day, you'll be the embarrassingly intoxicated relative.  Stick to cider or beer.
• Your sunscreen has expired.  Replace it unless you have a year's supply of aloe vera.
• The next unknown phone call you get will be a telemarketer.  Answer it at your peril.
• There's a $10 note blowing down the street outside your house.  
• Back up your photos.  Your computer hard drive is not completely trustworthy.
• Keep a spare pair of shoes in your office/car/bag.  The ones you are wearing are not far from falling apart.
• Crayons are just as fun now as when you were 5.  Buy yourself a set and get creative!
• Your other half has will forget to take their lunch to work next Wednesday.  Try meeting up and going on a surprise mid-week date.
• If you want a bit of spare pocket-change, try becoming a door-to-door carol-singer.  Even if you're terrible, they might pay you to go away...
• Instead of spending money on drinks this weekend, make some cocktails at home.  Next week is going to be expensive.
• Hugs are a good Christmas present.  Start giving some out.
• Tis the weather to go skydiving...
• Tomorrow, you're going to drop a drawing pin at the same time as your phone rings.  Remember to pick it up or you'll stand on it.
• Don't drive to the airport in the first two weeks of January.  There will be a traffic jam caused by a crash on the way there and it will be the most frustrating drive of your life.
• Use newspaper instead of wrapping paper.  Environment first...
• Your favourite movie from when you were a kid will be on TV in the next month.  Don't watch it or you'll find out how terrible it is and ruin your entire childhood.
• The internet is going to crash on Saturday evening, but will fix itself by Monday.  Hold off on calling the provider or you'll spend over 3 hours on the phone only to be told they can't help you.
• Go for a holiday this month, even if it's only a sneaky day-trip.  

Blue skies,

-E

Horoscope 10 - Leo

Not to be confused with DiCaprio, Leo the lion is the sign of those born between July 23rd and August 22nd.

Writing this horoscope series has been a good eye-opener for me of just how many variables there are for each and every action that we take, and it has made me more convinced that each and every decision that we make has a minutely detailed effect on our lives.  Using the planetary alignment to predict each of these would be nigh impossible.


Nonetheless, I have been getting into the swing of compiling each star sign and am now on the home stretch.  For the Leo horoscope, keep reading:

• It's going to be windy tomorrow.  Don't wear anything too floaty.
• Turn on the radio, quick!  Your favourite song is about to play.
• Next time you travel by air, take a sippy water bottle.  If you don't, turbulence will strike during the meal time and you'll cover your lap in wine/coffee (or both).
• Your long-lost Uncle Babu in Nigeria has recently passed on, and has left you his $10,000,000,000 USD fortune!  All you need to do to claim it is send a verification payment of $680 to the following Western Union bank account...
• As a third-generation westerner, it's slightly odd that you have an Uncle in Nigeria.
• There are two broken eggs in the carton in the fridge.
• Iron a work shirt this evening.  Otherwise you'll sleep in tomorrow and have to wear a crinkly one.  This in turn will make your boss think that you didn't make it home last night.
• Best place for you to meet people of the opposite sex?  Weddings.  Free grog + a romantic mood can only end well.
• Don't eat that chicken sandwich, it's been around for far too long.
• Unhappy at work?  Now's the time to make a break for something else.  Try becoming a dive instructor.
• Make sure all incriminating objects are out of the public areas of your house - you will be getting surprise visitors this week.
• A good way to stop smoking is to take up a very expensive but very addictive hobby on the side (I suggest skydiving). This way, you have to make the choice between smoking and your rent/mortgage.  Don't choose the smokes!
• Go rock climbing this weekend.  It's a good way to pick up singles when you need a 'belay buddy'.
• Chop up your credit card this Christmas, avoid the shopping centres and save for something you've always wanted to do.
• Your mechanic is going to try and rip you off during your next car service.  Take it somewhere else.
• Don't have the 'do you want to have babies?' talk with your significant other while you're drunk.  It will not end well...
• If you buy your boss a Christmas present this year, the brown-nose brownie points will not be worth the endless mocking from your workmates.
• Go to a bookshop for a quiet browse.  Paper is still better than an iPad.

Blue skies,

-E

Horoscope 9 - Cancer

Horoscope 9 arrives in the form of a crab.  A crab called Cancer, to be precise.  Applicable to the month between June 21st and July 22nd, read on for the predictions for all the Cancerians...

• Wear plenty of sunscreen, the beach is hot.
• Try walking forwards instead of scuttling sideways - it is far more efficient as a mode of transportation.
• Eat some muesli...it's cheap, fibrous and a little bit crunchy.
• Your camera is about to run out of batteries.  Charge it before you take it out to the next function.
• Go for a walk during your lunchbreak tomorrow.  It will make the afternoon seem less arduous.
• There's a mosquito on your ankle.  Swat it, quick!
• Take some old clothes to a charity shop.  It's a good time of year to help people out.
• The milk in your fridge is going off.  Try black coffee today.
• Make a New Year resolution that you can stick to.  Maybe one like 'I will drink a maximum of 4 standard drinks per day from January 16th to January 17th'.  Easy!
• The children behind you in the supermarket queue next week still believe in Santa.  Don't ruin it for them.
• A cup of tea is always a good idea.
• Your other half hasn't screwed the lid on the jam properly.  Pick it up by the base.
• There's an old camera film in your 'stuff' drawer.  It's not empty, however your flatmates have used it to take photos of their bare arses.  Develop it at your own peril.
• It's the thought that counts.  Thought is also a lot cheaper than material gifts this Christmas...
• It would be a good idea to start carrying a sprig of mistletoe with you at all times if you're currently single.  It's a simple way to snag that good looker on the train or play a spot of tonsil-hockey on the spur of the moment.  And it spreads festive cheer!
• Take your iPod out of your pocket before you go to the loo.  Otherwise it's heading for a dip.
• Buy a $5 instant scratchie next week.  It'll be a winner.
• Your current phone bill has been put into the neighbour's letterbox by mistake.  Go for a scrummage (unless you think there's a chance they mightn't notice and pay it).
• Work is going to be very quiet for the next 3 weeks.  Time to brush up on your solitaire skills...
• The weather this weekend will be perfect for, say, jumping out of a plane.  
• You've got $40 more in your wallet than you thought you had.  Treat yourself today.
• Save water this season.  Shower with a friend.

Nearly through the zodiac, and then the 'life in general' writing will re-commence.  Starting first with our upcoming trip to NZ for Christmas/New Year.  The first blog for that trip is likely to be entitled "Parachute vs. Clothes - the dilemma of the travelling skydiver with no excess baggage allowance".

Blue skies,

-E

Horoscope 8 - Gemini

Two-thirds of the way to the end of this horoscope schimozzle, and the eighth of the series features Gemini - the twins.

Born between May 21 and June 20, my initial thought for all those bearing the Gemini sign would be to eliminate the other twin and save on groceries...but there is more to a horoscope than supermarket prices so I shall press on:

• Take a frisbee to the park and rediscover the outdoors.
• Your sunglasses are going to break tomorrow, make sure you get a spare pair.
• Good weather is best viewed from under a parachute.
• Make sure your computer cable is out of the lounge this evening or your pets/children will eat through it.
• Your boss is going to be in a good mood next week - try asking for a payrise.
• Don't eat a hamburger in January, the mystery meat will contain pieces of plastic.
• Make sure your washing is pegged a good distance from the ground this weekend; dogs enjoy a challenge almost as much as a game of tug-of-war.
• Your nail polish isn't dry.  Don't touch it to find out.
• I warned you!
• Starting a DIY project at home before March will involve a an emergency call to a builder and a red face.
• Don't step backwards, the toothpaste is on the ground.
• Visit a country you've never been to before.
• Having stacks of accrued leave makes you feel like top dog at work, sure, but your workmates who take regular holidays are enjoying life far more.
• Get petrol on the way home, or you'll get stuck in a traffic jam.
• Trying to pick up?  Join a university events club.
• Your jacket has a rip in the sleeve.  Roll them up for the casual chic look.
• Your first ever mix tape is in the back of a cupboard in the kitchen.  It's worth a listen.
• Make a batch of scones.  They are a wholesome and delicious way to embrace your inner nanna (and not in a creepy way).
• Pick a worthwhile charity and donate a few dollars every once in a while.  It will give you a sense of being able to help and the karma is always welcome.
• The vitamins you are taking are just creating expensive wee.  Try some fish oil and a load of vegetables instead.
• Your relatives are going to get into an argument this Christmas about who is fetching the drinks.  Avoid this by taking your own private bottle of vodka.
• Tell someone you love them this weekend.  Mean it.
• Never see a clairvoyant, everything they tell you will be a pack of lies!

Happy Tuesday,

-E