Horoscope 12 - Libra

And so we arrive at the end of a zodiac saga - the final chapter in the horoscope story.  Libra holds the honour of the final entry.


The definition of Libra in ancient Rome was 'a unit of weight', equal to 12 oz (0.34 kg).  This is a very specific meaning of a zodiac sign and it is fairly obvious that obesity was not the problem back then that it is today.  In the modern westernised world, the unit of weight would likely be required to be much heavier.


The more modern definition is 'the balance', which makes (slightly) more sense, and thus the horoscope continues for those born between September 23rd and October 22nd:

• Think about starting up or attending circus school - balance is a key attribute to tightrope walking or acrobatics.
• It's going to be a very sunny day on Wednesday.  You're looking like you're going to be coming down with something on Tuesday night...
• Pick 5 items from the back of your wardrobe and sell them on Ebay or TradeMe.  You'll get more back than you could ever imagine.
• Have a board game evening this weekend.
• None of the shops are going to be open this Sunday..
• Your passport is due to expire soon.  Check it before you try and head to foreign parts.
• You're going to absent-mindedly store your phone in your back pocket tomorrow.  Don't sit on it.
• The neighbours are going to throw loads of goodies onto the street verge tomorrow morning.  Get up early and grab yourself a side-of-the-road windfall!
• Don't take any risque photos on your camera in January or it will get stolen and loaded onto the internet.
• Head off to the theatre this season.  You never know when you'll meet that special someone.
• Check the cheap flights websites for the next month.  Pick your next holiday from the specials advertised.
• Catch up with someone you haven't seen for a while this weekend.  It's a good time of year for rejuvenation.
• Try some home baking this Christmas.  It will be more fulfilling than you could imagine.
• You've got a hole in the lining of your bag.  Before you panic after not finding your keys, check inside it.
• Go to work on Friday and you'll bag a free lunch.
• Your neighbour's wheelie bin is going to blow behind your car next week, don't back over it.
• A good friend is going to leave a Christmas present for you in a very obscure place.  Start hunting!
• A geriatric with a zimmer frame is going to walk out in front of you as you pull out of your driveway next Tuesday.  Swerve!
• Mistletoe.   It's a good time of year...
• Throw away your current razor, it's far too blunt to use.
• Reconnect with your relatives this year, even the crazy ones.
• Start planning your New Year resolutions.  Don't go for the unachievable ones, like "this year I'm not going to drink".  Maybe start small, like "this year I'm going to go to the gym at least 3 times"...

So this wraps up the 12-horoscope series.  After writing my way through the zodiac, I can safely say that I still think people who write them for a living, with sweeping and generalised statements are getting money for jam.  My over-specific stabs in the dark have been shown to have a few successes over the series, showing that if I can guess life moments then anyone can!

As we will be heading off to NZ first thing tomorrow, the next few blogs will depend on internet connectivity.  The challenge for this morning is to cram a fortnight's worth of skydiving, swimming, Christmas party and other miscellaneous clobber into one 20kg suitcase.  Clothes may be an optional addition this time around!


On a sadder note, I have been closely following the story of a young mother in Auckland who has been battling cancer for the past 2 and a half years.  Unfortunately, Natalie Murphy lost her fight late last week, leaving behind her husband Greg and young son Jackson.  Natalie is an inspirational person who fought to enjoy life till the very end, and her story makes for a compelling read.  See more or donate to her family at www.helpnat.com.


Stories such as the one above make me more determined than ever to enjoy what I've got while I'm lucky enough to be able-bodied and breathing.  Life is our puppet, take it by the horns and make sure you don't end your time on this earth with regrets and missed opportunities.  Merry Christmas to you all over this festive period, live like you mean it!


Blue skies,


Ez

Horoscope 11 - Virgo

And so we come to Virgo...the sign of the virgin.  Since I have a hard time believing that anybody on my Facebook friends list is pure of heart and saying yes to abstinence, I will put this excerpt from Urban Dictionary to remind you all of the meaning of virgin.  The postings are numerous:




1. virgin
n. Person who has not yet had sex. Largely believed to be mythological.




2. virgin

1. A person who has not yet engaged in sex because they are waiting for true love.
2. A person who has not yet engaged in sex because they are so socially crippled that whenever they are around the opposite sex they begin to hiss and fart uncontrollably. 

1. I am a virgin because I'm waiting for my true love before I have sex! I also believe in unicorns.
2. I am NOT a virgin! Does cyber-sex count? 

3. virgin (American definition)

1) In North Carolina, any girl who can outrun her brothers. 2) In Alabama, an extinct species thought to have lived until the mid-19th century.

Look, there's Becky Poteat, North Carolina's high school record holder in the women's high hurdles. She's the only virgin in the county.

There's more, but I won't insult your intelligence...the picture above is perhaps the most famous virgin of all time, and fairly applicable to the current season; the Virgin Mary.  Actually, the picture above is a billboard at St. Matthew-in-the-city Church in Auckland, NZ.  Their rationale behind the image is to illustrate that Christmas is actually a symbolic time of hardship and that Mary was probably not over the moon when she found out that she was pregnant (without even getting laid, I might add!), as she was unmarried, young and poor.


But enough of my garble, it holds little relevance to the zodiac sign of Virgo and the life meaning for those born between August 23rd and September 22nd.  For this, keep reading:

• Don't have sex.  That's the one activity that virgins don't engage in.
• Go for an early-morning stroll down the nearest beach.  It sets you up for a peaceful day.
• Don't wash your red shirt with all your other clothes this weekend, it still leaks dye.
• Going on a first date but short of cash?  If you pick flowers from the Botanical Gardens between 5:00-6:00am, the groundskeepers won't see you.  And she'll appreciate your romantic side.
• Casting a fishing rod into the goldfish ponds at aforementioned gardens is generally frowned upon, however in times of hardship can be a lifesaver.  The same rules apply as above.
• Try something new in January.  Learn to skateboard or take an art class.
• Next time you go shopping, pay a visit to the local second-hand store.  You'll find a good selection and come home with cash to spare.
• Watch a few documentaries this holiday season.  They can be good value.
• If you drink spirits on Christmas Day, you'll be the embarrassingly intoxicated relative.  Stick to cider or beer.
• Your sunscreen has expired.  Replace it unless you have a year's supply of aloe vera.
• The next unknown phone call you get will be a telemarketer.  Answer it at your peril.
• There's a $10 note blowing down the street outside your house.  
• Back up your photos.  Your computer hard drive is not completely trustworthy.
• Keep a spare pair of shoes in your office/car/bag.  The ones you are wearing are not far from falling apart.
• Crayons are just as fun now as when you were 5.  Buy yourself a set and get creative!
• Your other half has will forget to take their lunch to work next Wednesday.  Try meeting up and going on a surprise mid-week date.
• If you want a bit of spare pocket-change, try becoming a door-to-door carol-singer.  Even if you're terrible, they might pay you to go away...
• Instead of spending money on drinks this weekend, make some cocktails at home.  Next week is going to be expensive.
• Hugs are a good Christmas present.  Start giving some out.
• Tis the weather to go skydiving...
• Tomorrow, you're going to drop a drawing pin at the same time as your phone rings.  Remember to pick it up or you'll stand on it.
• Don't drive to the airport in the first two weeks of January.  There will be a traffic jam caused by a crash on the way there and it will be the most frustrating drive of your life.
• Use newspaper instead of wrapping paper.  Environment first...
• Your favourite movie from when you were a kid will be on TV in the next month.  Don't watch it or you'll find out how terrible it is and ruin your entire childhood.
• The internet is going to crash on Saturday evening, but will fix itself by Monday.  Hold off on calling the provider or you'll spend over 3 hours on the phone only to be told they can't help you.
• Go for a holiday this month, even if it's only a sneaky day-trip.  

Blue skies,

-E

Horoscope 10 - Leo

Not to be confused with DiCaprio, Leo the lion is the sign of those born between July 23rd and August 22nd.

Writing this horoscope series has been a good eye-opener for me of just how many variables there are for each and every action that we take, and it has made me more convinced that each and every decision that we make has a minutely detailed effect on our lives.  Using the planetary alignment to predict each of these would be nigh impossible.


Nonetheless, I have been getting into the swing of compiling each star sign and am now on the home stretch.  For the Leo horoscope, keep reading:

• It's going to be windy tomorrow.  Don't wear anything too floaty.
• Turn on the radio, quick!  Your favourite song is about to play.
• Next time you travel by air, take a sippy water bottle.  If you don't, turbulence will strike during the meal time and you'll cover your lap in wine/coffee (or both).
• Your long-lost Uncle Babu in Nigeria has recently passed on, and has left you his $10,000,000,000 USD fortune!  All you need to do to claim it is send a verification payment of $680 to the following Western Union bank account...
• As a third-generation westerner, it's slightly odd that you have an Uncle in Nigeria.
• There are two broken eggs in the carton in the fridge.
• Iron a work shirt this evening.  Otherwise you'll sleep in tomorrow and have to wear a crinkly one.  This in turn will make your boss think that you didn't make it home last night.
• Best place for you to meet people of the opposite sex?  Weddings.  Free grog + a romantic mood can only end well.
• Don't eat that chicken sandwich, it's been around for far too long.
• Unhappy at work?  Now's the time to make a break for something else.  Try becoming a dive instructor.
• Make sure all incriminating objects are out of the public areas of your house - you will be getting surprise visitors this week.
• A good way to stop smoking is to take up a very expensive but very addictive hobby on the side (I suggest skydiving). This way, you have to make the choice between smoking and your rent/mortgage.  Don't choose the smokes!
• Go rock climbing this weekend.  It's a good way to pick up singles when you need a 'belay buddy'.
• Chop up your credit card this Christmas, avoid the shopping centres and save for something you've always wanted to do.
• Your mechanic is going to try and rip you off during your next car service.  Take it somewhere else.
• Don't have the 'do you want to have babies?' talk with your significant other while you're drunk.  It will not end well...
• If you buy your boss a Christmas present this year, the brown-nose brownie points will not be worth the endless mocking from your workmates.
• Go to a bookshop for a quiet browse.  Paper is still better than an iPad.

Blue skies,

-E

Horoscope 9 - Cancer

Horoscope 9 arrives in the form of a crab.  A crab called Cancer, to be precise.  Applicable to the month between June 21st and July 22nd, read on for the predictions for all the Cancerians...

• Wear plenty of sunscreen, the beach is hot.
• Try walking forwards instead of scuttling sideways - it is far more efficient as a mode of transportation.
• Eat some muesli...it's cheap, fibrous and a little bit crunchy.
• Your camera is about to run out of batteries.  Charge it before you take it out to the next function.
• Go for a walk during your lunchbreak tomorrow.  It will make the afternoon seem less arduous.
• There's a mosquito on your ankle.  Swat it, quick!
• Take some old clothes to a charity shop.  It's a good time of year to help people out.
• The milk in your fridge is going off.  Try black coffee today.
• Make a New Year resolution that you can stick to.  Maybe one like 'I will drink a maximum of 4 standard drinks per day from January 16th to January 17th'.  Easy!
• The children behind you in the supermarket queue next week still believe in Santa.  Don't ruin it for them.
• A cup of tea is always a good idea.
• Your other half hasn't screwed the lid on the jam properly.  Pick it up by the base.
• There's an old camera film in your 'stuff' drawer.  It's not empty, however your flatmates have used it to take photos of their bare arses.  Develop it at your own peril.
• It's the thought that counts.  Thought is also a lot cheaper than material gifts this Christmas...
• It would be a good idea to start carrying a sprig of mistletoe with you at all times if you're currently single.  It's a simple way to snag that good looker on the train or play a spot of tonsil-hockey on the spur of the moment.  And it spreads festive cheer!
• Take your iPod out of your pocket before you go to the loo.  Otherwise it's heading for a dip.
• Buy a $5 instant scratchie next week.  It'll be a winner.
• Your current phone bill has been put into the neighbour's letterbox by mistake.  Go for a scrummage (unless you think there's a chance they mightn't notice and pay it).
• Work is going to be very quiet for the next 3 weeks.  Time to brush up on your solitaire skills...
• The weather this weekend will be perfect for, say, jumping out of a plane.  
• You've got $40 more in your wallet than you thought you had.  Treat yourself today.
• Save water this season.  Shower with a friend.

Nearly through the zodiac, and then the 'life in general' writing will re-commence.  Starting first with our upcoming trip to NZ for Christmas/New Year.  The first blog for that trip is likely to be entitled "Parachute vs. Clothes - the dilemma of the travelling skydiver with no excess baggage allowance".

Blue skies,

-E

Horoscope 8 - Gemini

Two-thirds of the way to the end of this horoscope schimozzle, and the eighth of the series features Gemini - the twins.

Born between May 21 and June 20, my initial thought for all those bearing the Gemini sign would be to eliminate the other twin and save on groceries...but there is more to a horoscope than supermarket prices so I shall press on:

• Take a frisbee to the park and rediscover the outdoors.
• Your sunglasses are going to break tomorrow, make sure you get a spare pair.
• Good weather is best viewed from under a parachute.
• Make sure your computer cable is out of the lounge this evening or your pets/children will eat through it.
• Your boss is going to be in a good mood next week - try asking for a payrise.
• Don't eat a hamburger in January, the mystery meat will contain pieces of plastic.
• Make sure your washing is pegged a good distance from the ground this weekend; dogs enjoy a challenge almost as much as a game of tug-of-war.
• Your nail polish isn't dry.  Don't touch it to find out.
• I warned you!
• Starting a DIY project at home before March will involve a an emergency call to a builder and a red face.
• Don't step backwards, the toothpaste is on the ground.
• Visit a country you've never been to before.
• Having stacks of accrued leave makes you feel like top dog at work, sure, but your workmates who take regular holidays are enjoying life far more.
• Get petrol on the way home, or you'll get stuck in a traffic jam.
• Trying to pick up?  Join a university events club.
• Your jacket has a rip in the sleeve.  Roll them up for the casual chic look.
• Your first ever mix tape is in the back of a cupboard in the kitchen.  It's worth a listen.
• Make a batch of scones.  They are a wholesome and delicious way to embrace your inner nanna (and not in a creepy way).
• Pick a worthwhile charity and donate a few dollars every once in a while.  It will give you a sense of being able to help and the karma is always welcome.
• The vitamins you are taking are just creating expensive wee.  Try some fish oil and a load of vegetables instead.
• Your relatives are going to get into an argument this Christmas about who is fetching the drinks.  Avoid this by taking your own private bottle of vodka.
• Tell someone you love them this weekend.  Mean it.
• Never see a clairvoyant, everything they tell you will be a pack of lies!

Happy Tuesday,

-E

Horoscope 7 - Taurus

A highland bull.  After living in Scotland where 'Hairy Coos' are abundant, they have become one of my favourite animals and a source of great amusement.




Taurus the bull.  Applicable to those born between the 20th April and 20th May, and apparently with a feisty personality akin to a bull.  I would like to think that they are also prone to jumping fences and sneaking off for romantic trysts, or perhaps prone to doing the foot-stomp manoeuvre when they're peeved.


Either way, the horoscope of the Taurus awaits:

• Get in touch with a childhood friend.  You'll be surprised at how much you have in common.
• You're going to sleep through your alarm next Thursday.  Don't plan anything important.
• If you try and do your Christmas shopping this weekend, you are not going to be able to find a carpark.  This applies to all other weekends leading up to Jesus's Birthday also.
• You've dropped an old CD behind your bed.  Find it and have a reminiscent dance party.
• Don't try and do your grocery shopping after work today, or you'll find you've forgotten your wallet.
• The government underpaid your tax refund this year.  Give them a call to rectify.  
• On second thoughts, the pain of calling a government department negates any potential financial reward.  Don't bother.
• That girl you met and fell in love with on the weekend?  She's a bit crazy (and not in a good way).  Go to the beach next weekend and you'll meet an even hotter one that isn't nuts.
• Treat yourself to a massage.  It will be the best thing you've done all week.
• Last time you took your car for a service the mechanic didn't put enough oil into it.  Give it a check.
• Next Tuesday your work is going to surprise you with a long and arduous meeting you weren't expecting.  
• You're looking like you might be feeling a bit seedy early next week.  Just sayin'...
• Organise a romantic night in for yourself and your significant other (I'm talking candles, dinner, Barry White and rom-com).  You'll be surprised how inexpensive and fantastic a home-date can be.
• You've left $20 in the centre console of your car.  Dig it out next time a rainy day comes along.
• Walk a mile in someone else's shoes.  Your shoes are getting a bit scuffed and you could use some new ones.
• If you feel like your life could use a change, follow your instinct and change it.  There's much more regret to be found in not trying.
• Go skydiving.  It is awesome.
• December is a good time to go and collect all the things people borrowed off you months ago.  They'll be in a much more 'giving' mood.
• Watch out for the cat when you start up your car next, it is sleeping right behind a rear wheel.
• Don't wear a white shirt next Friday.  The orange you eat will squirt juice on your front.

5 more Horoscopes to go, and the year is finished.  May you make all your dreams come true.

-E

Horoscope 6 - Aries

For better or worse, this blog has been severely neglected for 11 days now, and for this I apologise.  Part of this is due to a high number of interstate work trips but most of it is due to the unexpected homecoming of my significant other and the beginning of the summer skydiving season - think lots of rain and sleeping in soggy tents in the middle of nowhere because it seems nobody has told Melbourne that summer is supposed to be hot and dry.


BUT after much suspense for those born between 13th March and 19th April, the Aries horoscope is upon you!  Halfway through the zodiac already; I'm even beating Woman's Day...


Aries the ram.  A breed of sheep-people, or as my colleagues would probably say, New Zealanders.  Read on for your fate:

• Get a haircut.
• Don't wash that pair of black trousers until you've taken the tissue out of the pocket.
• The good-looking one on Saturday?  He's gay.
• You need to buy bread today, breakfast tomorrow depends on it.
• If you pick your nose while driving to work tomorrow, you will get spotted by your boss.
• You've got a payrise coming in January.  Hurry up and take up an expensive hobby! (I suggest skydiving, a fantastic way to bankrupt yourself instantly).
• Change your clothes before you head out, you've got dog slobber on your ankle.
• Don't have a dog?  Get one.
• You and your significant other are going to have an argument about the benefits of jam vs. peanut butter in December.  Pick team jam.
• You've left your moisturiser in the fridge.  Go and get it before it solidifies.
• Try a different type of Christmas this year.  Go somewhere exotic or volunteer at an orphanage.  Either way, it will be easier than dealing with drunk relatives.
• You are going to forget to take your shopping list to the supermarket next week.  When this happens, remember you need yoghurt.
• Get your car serviced in the next month, or you're going to break down on the way to a costume party.
• That $2 you see in the street is glued to the pavement.  Don't try and pick it up or schoolchildren will laugh at you.
• Ride a bike tomorrow.
• The lunch your friend is offering you is uncomfortably spicy.  If you know what's good for you (and your intestines), you should politely decline.
• February is a good month to change - if you need to move house/country or get a new job as a zoo curator, it would be ideal to do so.
• Take her for a romantic dinner and a game of minigolf.  It will be worth your while.
• Feeling mediocre?  Go for a skydive.  Adrenaline is a wonderful pick-me-up.
• The best places to chat up the opposite gender are dance or boxing classes.
• That milk's off.  For the love of peace, don't sniff it.
• The next door neighbour's cat has caught a rat and is trying to get into your house.  Make sure all the windows are closed.
• Don't pull a sickie next Friday, your work is planning to hand out Christmas presents.
• Play a game of twister, it's just as fun as you remember.
• Like that song?  The album is just as good.
• The apple in your fruit bowl has a caterpillar in it.  Bite carefully.

The remainder of the year's horoscopes will be available over the next few days, following which I plan to update the bucket list and get started on the summer travel series.  There will be intrigue, sensationalism, lots of skydiving and far too many ciders!

-E

Horoscope 5 - Pisces

I have approached the fifth saga of my horoscope journey with some apprehension, as it covers those born between February 19th - March 20th - a timeframe encapsulating my own birthday on March 4th.  Since there are only 12 types of people in the world and the life and trials of all my fellow pisceans should mirror my own, I should have nothing to worry about, right?  This could be my most accurate prediction yet!

Pisces is obviously a water sign.  The only other thing I know about it is that it resembles two fish having a 69-er.  The initial piece of advice I have for the fish-people is don't be greedy.  The silver worm has a hook through it and your day will be ruined if you eat it.

So you're a pisces?  Your fate awaits you...

• Change your email password or it will get hacked in January.  This in turn will make your dear white-haired old grandmother think you are a Viagra salesperson.
• Go for a massage.  It will save on a lot of chiropractor fees this summer.
• Get roadside assistance - unless you love sleeping in truckstops.
• Reunite with those you haven't seen for a while this Christmas.
• Don't buy that $1.50 shampoo, it will make your head itch.
• Get up lazybones!  Going to the gym in the mornings will make you 74% more energised the rest of the time.
• If you get  a worrying health report, get a second opinion.
• Don't go to the beach next weekend, it's going to rain.
• Take a friend for a skydive, it will change their life.
• Next year there will be a chance to fulfil a huge number of once-in-a-lifetime dreams.  Take it at any cost.
• You need to clean out the wardrobe, throw away at least half of it because you know you never wear it.
• Kick a bad habit in February, it will be easier than you think.
• That top you've been looking for?  Behind the washing machine.
• Write letters to 3 people you haven't heard from in a while.  
• Cheeseburgers don't taste as good as you remember when you were 7.  Give the $3 to charity instead.
• Your newest pair of pants has a hole in the bum.
• Grow some herbs this December.  No serial killer was ever caught tending to a garden.
• A fool and their money are soon parted.  A job offer that sounds unrealistic is not going to make you happy.
• Ask for her number, she wants you to.
• Instead of dinner and a movie date next month, go for a weekend kayak trip.
• Have a waterfight, it's just as fun as it used to be.  And the yellow supersoaker will bode you well.
• Your luggage will be lost on your next flight - the way to combat this is to not wear any clothes while you're away, thus removing the need for a suitcase.
• The wine in the fridge has gone off.  Drinking it will give you the most toxic hangover you've ever experienced.

Nearly halfway there, and then I can re-focus my attention to rambling about non-specific nonsense again!  Suggestions welcomed :)


-E

Horoscope 4 - Aquarius

And so I find myself writing about the people born at the end (and the start) of the year.  The people who were planned and created as Christmas presents and a reminder of fresh beginnings, Those born between January 20th and February 18th.  These people are the polar opposite of course to those who are the accidental result of crazed, drunken, back-of-the-old-Holden fumblings around the same time of the year, and who are subsequently born around September/October.  


Aquarius is defined by Urban Dictionary (a source of awesomeness and amazingly accurate information; paralleled only by Wikipedia in usefulness) as a "water bearer".  When I hear this, I automatically think "bucket".  However, judging by the images of an Aquarius, a water bearer is in fact the person carrying said article...


Please read on for an account of what to expect if you happen to be one of the lucky few who were planned by your parents:




Aquarian Horoscope:

• If you don't pay your phone bill in February, they won't cut your connection.
• Don't eat the luncheon.
• Take her to see an action movie.  She'll pretend she doesn't enjoy it, but it's a well documented fact that action movies are full of biceps bulging out of ripped t-shirts.
• To save money over the Christmas period, stop buying perfume and cologne and simply pay a daily visit to the tester bottles in the department store on the way to work.  You'll increase your variety of scents and save money simultaneously!
• Go hiking.  As much as you can.
• You're getting a bigger-than-expected tax refund next year.
• You have left half an avocado in the back of your refrigerator.  Get an exterminator in to clear it.
• Start attending dance classes.  Your friends won't think you're gay and it's a good place to pick up...
• Stop wearing those grey striped tights, they have a hole in the crotch.
• Your lucky number is 48.  But it's only lucky if you can eat the same quantity of cupcakes.
• Yes, your neighbours can hear it when you get frisky.  Yes, they also know you live alone.
• A cheese grater is not an appropriate exfoliation tool.  Stop using the Ped-Egg.
• The second taxi you see tomorrow will pull out in front of you.  
• 70% of air crashes occur on landing.  A good reason to get out of the plane before it lands.
• Pick it up and blow on it, it's still good!
• It's about time you organised a fancy-dress party with your friends.  This would be a good task for December.
• The doorbell will ring at 3.04pm on Sunday.  Don't answer it unless you'd enjoy a lengthy discussion about Our Lord.
• Yes, it makes you look chubby.
• Asparagus is an aphrodisiac.  It's also on special next week.  Just sayin'...
• Pity it makes your wee smell funny.

So that's the insight for the weekend, I hope it brings you many revelations.

Oh, and get in touch with someone far away and tell them that you love them.  I know I will be.

-E

Horoscope 3 - Capricorn

Those born between December 22nd - January 19th are a race of goat-people.  For this reason alone, I'm going to dedicate a section of goat-related predictions to help the Capricorn to slot into society.  Because it must be hard being a goat sometimes...




Goat Horoscope:

• Although you feel the urge to eat everything, try not to.  Not everything will work in harmony with your digestive tract.  Additionally, your neighbours may not appreciate coming home from work to find you masticating their clothes from the washing line.
• It is not appropriate to head-butt your enemies.  Even if you do have cutesy little horns.
• You are not stealthy with clippy-cloppy hooves.  Don't break into a house with wooden floors.
• Watch out for Taurus, he's bigger than you.

And the rest:

• Don't play golf.  If you do, Tiger Woods will break into your house and spoon your labrador.
• Eat some fruit loops.  The shape they make in the bottom of the bowl spells out the meaning of life.
• You could get a job as spelunker.  Do it.
• Go for a run every Thursday morning.  It will clear your head and you will get a payrise.
• Never, under any circumstance, ever listen to Kyle Sandilands.  It will give you the equivalent of a frontal lobotomy.
• Go on, have a cup of tea.
• Nothing says 'Merry Christmas' like a raunchy board game.  Spice up your holiday!
• Wear some orange undies next Tuesday, it'll be the luckiest day of the week.
• Don't be afraid to give your job the flick and chase your dreams.  Bills will still be there next year.
• There will be another new iPhone next year.  Just like every other year.
• The air at 14,000 ft is so fresh, you should give it a try this summer.
• If you see like someone, a mix tape is still romantic.
• If you adhere to the point above, buy them a tape deck.
• If you have looked in every Harvey Norman in the yellow pages with no success, try eBay for a second hand one.  The cassette is still hip, dammit!
• Before smothering your significant other with whipped cream and chocolate sauce, check they don't have skin allergies first.
• If you go swimming this summer, watch out for sharks.  Sharks like eating goats.

-E

Horoscope 2 - Sagittarius

I feel like writing horoscopes really becomes me...why did I even bother going to uni?!

Take two of predicting the future is nigh for those of you born between the 22nd November and 21st December.  For this horoscope (and subsequent ones), I have decided to go with a bullet point format.  Just to mix it up a little.

Behold:

• It will rain tomorrow.  Torrentially.
• One of your neighbours is dealing drugs.  Don a balaclava and a pair of combat boots and go and find out which one - the resulting police reward will spell your fortune.
• You're feeling sleepy, don't worry about going to work tomorrow.
• Next time you feel a sneeze coming on, grab a tissue.  If you don't the consequences will be embarrassing.
• Petrol prices are going to be higher than you expect this weekend (how can you even doubt my abilities with these kinds of predictions?!).
• Look out the window at 9.30pm next Wednesday night and you will see your neighbour talking to themselves.
• Your next coffee will taste like liquid sunshine
• You will have a disagreement with your significant other in December about whether cashmere is better than merino.
• Buy some sturdier swimwear before your next trip to the beach.  Don't ask why, just do it, for the sake of us all...
• You will have a yearning to go overseas next April.  Act on it.
• Don't offend any restaurant wait staff in January.  If you do, they will scrape the soles of their shoes into your meal.
• Get a haircut within the next month and you will get lots of comments about your physique.
• Use the wrist strap on the Wii controller or your next game of golf will result in the need for a new television.
• Go skydiving this summer, you deserve it.
• That girl you saw in the supermarket last week?  Yes, she's single.  She shops every second Tuesday and her number is 0421 178 963.  Give her a call and ask her out.
• You can handle 14 standard drinks, and not a single one more.
• Pluto is in your realm this summer.  Pity it's not a planet any more.

That should be enough to keep you going, I never realised I'd be so in touch with the universe.


-E

Horoscope 1: SCORPIO

In my previous entry, I mentioned that I would begin writing horoscopes.  For those of you born between 24th October and 22nd November, I have commenced the series with the current star sign; Scorpio*.




Career:
For those of you without a job, get one.  Otherwise your flatmates/spouses/parents will think you are bums and you'll get kicked out or dumped.  Or both.  The best type of job for you would be one that you get paid for. 


If you already have a job, make sure you get your coffee early on Thursday, as the office is going to run out of milk.  Your pay will be two days late, however you will receive $8.65 more than you expect to.  If you leave 46 minutes early on Friday afternoon, nobody will notice. 




Love:
Don't go near a nightclub starting with 'N, D, W or G' in December; it will be full of sleazebags/crazy girls who will try to grope you in the bar line (unless you're into that kind of thing).


If you use the following pick-up line, it is guaranteed not to work:


"Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?"


If you are in a relationship, you should try and get away for a long weekend before Christmas.  Otherwise you won't get any on New Year's Eve.


Money:
If you've had a stressful month, buy yourself something nice.  Like a parachute, or maybe a pony.

Don't ever EVER purchase anything off Gumtree. 

For every 20 parking meters you check the coin return compartment of, you will make a total of $0.30

The lotto numbers on Saturday will be 4, 7, 28, 16, 37, 11 and a powerball of 457.  Go buy a ticket.

If you've already got one, it's not a winner.

Check the left pocket of your winter jacket.  You left $10 in there.


General:
Don't wear a white shirt on Friday night.  You're going to have a clumsy day and spill food on yourself.

Go out your back door and take 7 steps straight then one step left.  At that location, dig a hole measuring 1.34m by 2.71m and 1.83m deep.  It will contain treasure.  If it doesn't, fill it up with water and you've made yourself a pool.

Your spare car tyre is going flat. 

The supermarket will undercharge you for your next shop.  You should wear running shoes for this.

Watch out, your toast is burning.
And finally, there's a lot of matter around Uranus from the months of December through February.  You should really get that seen to.


*Disclaimer: The above may or may not actually happen and is more than likely to be a complete crock of bollocks, made up while extremely tired after a 4am wakeup to catch an interstate flight.  No responsibility will be taken if it has no relevence to your life.  If you are relying on this account (or any other guidance from the zodiac) to make actual life decisions, please pad the walls of your house with a layer of foam and start wearing a helmet and kneepads at all times.  Oh, and get off the computer; you might hurt yourself.

- E

Horoscopes...Horror what?!

We all like to put our trust in something.  Which makes sense, because unlike many other animals we escape the womb as completely dependent blobs, incapable of anything other than eating, sleeping, screaming and a few less dignified habits.  


Since the beginning of time, there has also been a spiritual aspect of our dependence.  Various beings (human or otherwise, depending on which religious or spiritual group you refer to) that control our creation, our destiny and/or our actions.  


The most interesting aspect of this for me is the control or pre-determination (if you will) of our actions.  Has my whole life been mapped out before me and I am now just living an already-decided screenplay existence?


The zodiac plays a big part in this, and it is this that I will be focusing on today:

Horoscopes...star signs, lucky numbers, planet alignments, the whole works.  I have long been a staunch critic of horoscope writers, however as with most things, I am very happy to be proven wrong.  I struggle with the concept that there are only 12 types of people on this planet, and that our character and actions have been pre-determined by the alignment of the universe and the date of birth.  


Horoscope writers are seen in so many avenues; trash mags, newspapers, the internet, even on the Melbourne airport shuttle televisions!  But I would love to know who reads and lives by what they say.  Do you?


I have read my horoscope on numerous occasions and can tell you that everything they have said is absolutely correct.  I have no reason to doubt the astrologers, however I have plenty of reason to assume that if I read the captions for other star signs, they would probably apply to my life as well.  Deliberately vague, broad sweeping statements are used... "you will be taken by surprise in the next month"...Oh really, Einstein?  Thanks very much, I'll keep a look out.


Today I looked up my horoscope for 2012.  Born on the 4th of March, I am a pisces, and the entry on the first site Google fed me is extremely extensive: http://www.horoscopes-love.eu/pisces-2012-horoscope.php

To summarise, it tells me about my career.  "2012 holds great promise in career opportunities for the Pisces that will definitely be positive".  Good to know.  And, "This is not the year to start up a company as the upcoming months during 2012 year may present difficulties".  Well I'm glad to see that the planets are aware of the GFC, dodged a bullet there!


My love life, it tells me, will proceed peacefully next year, "However, during the months of July through September there may be minimal misunderstandings with the other partner".  Glad they're only minimal...


Finance and money is the next section, and it tells me that I "will have the opportunity to free themselves form the clutches of creditors".  I'm thinking of sending a link to this page to Work & Income NZ; they will surely be pleased to hear that my outstanding student loan balance will be a thing of the past!  This needs to be done quickly though, as "mid year and later are less probable for financial gains".  Bummer.


Then the health section of my horoscope poses more alarming news.  The first half of the year will be smooth sailing, but "the last two quarters as illness may strike which may include indigestions, backaches, viral infections to throat and nose, influenza, headaches and joint pains".  Looks like I'd better stock up on Tamiflu just in case I get a cold next winter while I'm not earning any money...


Having read this account of my life to come, I have decided that I need to put together a horoscope that provides more specific detail.  In subsequent posts, I will put together horoscopes for all 12 zodiac signs.  


I would say it'll change your life, but I don't want to get sued...