Career:
For those of you without a job, get one. Otherwise your flatmates/spouses/parents will think you are bums and you'll get kicked out or dumped. Or both. The best type of job for you would be one that you get paid for.
If you already have a job, make sure you get your coffee early on Thursday, as the office is going to run out of milk. Your pay will be two days late, however you will receive $8.65 more than you expect to. If you leave 46 minutes early on Friday afternoon, nobody will notice.
Love:
Don't go near a nightclub starting with 'N, D, W or G' in December; it will be full of sleazebags/crazy girls who will try to grope you in the bar line (unless you're into that kind of thing).
If you use the following pick-up line, it is guaranteed not to work:
"Are we near the airport or is that just my heart taking off?"
If you are in a relationship, you should try and get away for a long weekend before Christmas. Otherwise you won't get any on New Year's Eve.
Money:
If you've had a stressful month, buy yourself something nice. Like a parachute, or maybe a pony.
Don't ever EVER purchase anything off Gumtree.
For every 20 parking meters you check the coin return compartment of, you will make a total of $0.30
The lotto numbers on Saturday will be 4, 7, 28, 16, 37, 11 and a powerball of 457. Go buy a ticket.
If you've already got one, it's not a winner.
Check the left pocket of your winter jacket. You left $10 in there.
General:
Don't wear a white shirt on Friday night. You're going to have a clumsy day and spill food on yourself.
Go out your back door and take 7 steps straight then one step left. At that location, dig a hole measuring 1.34m by 2.71m and 1.83m deep. It will contain treasure. If it doesn't, fill it up with water and you've made yourself a pool.
Your spare car tyre is going flat.
The supermarket will undercharge you for your next shop. You should wear running shoes for this.
Watch out, your toast is burning.
And finally, there's a lot of matter around Uranus from the months of December through February. You should really get that seen to.
*Disclaimer: The above may or may not actually happen and is more than likely to be a complete crock of bollocks, made up while extremely tired after a 4am wakeup to catch an interstate flight. No responsibility will be taken if it has no relevence to your life. If you are relying on this account (or any other guidance from the zodiac) to make actual life decisions, please pad the walls of your house with a layer of foam and start wearing a helmet and kneepads at all times. Oh, and get off the computer; you might hurt yourself.
- E
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