Horoscope 3 - Capricorn

Those born between December 22nd - January 19th are a race of goat-people.  For this reason alone, I'm going to dedicate a section of goat-related predictions to help the Capricorn to slot into society.  Because it must be hard being a goat sometimes...




Goat Horoscope:

• Although you feel the urge to eat everything, try not to.  Not everything will work in harmony with your digestive tract.  Additionally, your neighbours may not appreciate coming home from work to find you masticating their clothes from the washing line.
• It is not appropriate to head-butt your enemies.  Even if you do have cutesy little horns.
• You are not stealthy with clippy-cloppy hooves.  Don't break into a house with wooden floors.
• Watch out for Taurus, he's bigger than you.

And the rest:

• Don't play golf.  If you do, Tiger Woods will break into your house and spoon your labrador.
• Eat some fruit loops.  The shape they make in the bottom of the bowl spells out the meaning of life.
• You could get a job as spelunker.  Do it.
• Go for a run every Thursday morning.  It will clear your head and you will get a payrise.
• Never, under any circumstance, ever listen to Kyle Sandilands.  It will give you the equivalent of a frontal lobotomy.
• Go on, have a cup of tea.
• Nothing says 'Merry Christmas' like a raunchy board game.  Spice up your holiday!
• Wear some orange undies next Tuesday, it'll be the luckiest day of the week.
• Don't be afraid to give your job the flick and chase your dreams.  Bills will still be there next year.
• There will be another new iPhone next year.  Just like every other year.
• The air at 14,000 ft is so fresh, you should give it a try this summer.
• If you see like someone, a mix tape is still romantic.
• If you adhere to the point above, buy them a tape deck.
• If you have looked in every Harvey Norman in the yellow pages with no success, try eBay for a second hand one.  The cassette is still hip, dammit!
• Before smothering your significant other with whipped cream and chocolate sauce, check they don't have skin allergies first.
• If you go swimming this summer, watch out for sharks.  Sharks like eating goats.

-E