Horoscope 6 - Aries

For better or worse, this blog has been severely neglected for 11 days now, and for this I apologise.  Part of this is due to a high number of interstate work trips but most of it is due to the unexpected homecoming of my significant other and the beginning of the summer skydiving season - think lots of rain and sleeping in soggy tents in the middle of nowhere because it seems nobody has told Melbourne that summer is supposed to be hot and dry.


BUT after much suspense for those born between 13th March and 19th April, the Aries horoscope is upon you!  Halfway through the zodiac already; I'm even beating Woman's Day...


Aries the ram.  A breed of sheep-people, or as my colleagues would probably say, New Zealanders.  Read on for your fate:

• Get a haircut.
• Don't wash that pair of black trousers until you've taken the tissue out of the pocket.
• The good-looking one on Saturday?  He's gay.
• You need to buy bread today, breakfast tomorrow depends on it.
• If you pick your nose while driving to work tomorrow, you will get spotted by your boss.
• You've got a payrise coming in January.  Hurry up and take up an expensive hobby! (I suggest skydiving, a fantastic way to bankrupt yourself instantly).
• Change your clothes before you head out, you've got dog slobber on your ankle.
• Don't have a dog?  Get one.
• You and your significant other are going to have an argument about the benefits of jam vs. peanut butter in December.  Pick team jam.
• You've left your moisturiser in the fridge.  Go and get it before it solidifies.
• Try a different type of Christmas this year.  Go somewhere exotic or volunteer at an orphanage.  Either way, it will be easier than dealing with drunk relatives.
• You are going to forget to take your shopping list to the supermarket next week.  When this happens, remember you need yoghurt.
• Get your car serviced in the next month, or you're going to break down on the way to a costume party.
• That $2 you see in the street is glued to the pavement.  Don't try and pick it up or schoolchildren will laugh at you.
• Ride a bike tomorrow.
• The lunch your friend is offering you is uncomfortably spicy.  If you know what's good for you (and your intestines), you should politely decline.
• February is a good month to change - if you need to move house/country or get a new job as a zoo curator, it would be ideal to do so.
• Take her for a romantic dinner and a game of minigolf.  It will be worth your while.
• Feeling mediocre?  Go for a skydive.  Adrenaline is a wonderful pick-me-up.
• The best places to chat up the opposite gender are dance or boxing classes.
• That milk's off.  For the love of peace, don't sniff it.
• The next door neighbour's cat has caught a rat and is trying to get into your house.  Make sure all the windows are closed.
• Don't pull a sickie next Friday, your work is planning to hand out Christmas presents.
• Play a game of twister, it's just as fun as you remember.
• Like that song?  The album is just as good.
• The apple in your fruit bowl has a caterpillar in it.  Bite carefully.

The remainder of the year's horoscopes will be available over the next few days, following which I plan to update the bucket list and get started on the summer travel series.  There will be intrigue, sensationalism, lots of skydiving and far too many ciders!

-E